You and i met a very long time ago and began a dance routine that materializes every now and again. Your darkness is overwhelming at certain times and draws me in, basking in my own dirty world. i am like a piece of mental metal magnetically pulled to your seemingly idealistic way of dealing with the hideousness of the underbelly of damaged emotions. Ideation becomes like a turntable's kneedle stuck in the groove of vinyl, repeating a word over and over and over. Something always reaches out and pulls me back from the precipice; Fear of it not working, not knowing exactly what happens afterwards, hurting people, fear of the unknown, a cry for help, or simply the necessity of this dance in my life for some balance.
i am going through some personal hell right now. It is right around the 1 year anniversary of having my heart broken and my ex leaving me and still in the midst of a not so nice divorce. Then a couple of weeks ago, my mom emails me a letter basically saying she wants to spend eternity in heaven with me but cannot condone my homosexual lifestyle. She says i need to repent, seek G-d's forgiveness, and turn away from the homosexuality. Otherwise, i will burn in hell for eternity with my Jewish grandparents.
i cannot fathom this rigid and religious life. i comprehend in my head these are their issues, yet in my heart, the rejection and abandonment still runs deep. Especially from my own flesh and blood. So, for people to say to me not to allow this all to get me down and that plenty of people love me is all well and good. i get this and am humbled and grateful. Yet, as i live with a chronic illness that affects me everyday and the ups and downs of Bipolar type 2, i feel like i am trying to climb Mt. Everest each and everyday.
So, this dance partner comes and revists me, trying to draw me back out onto the dance floor, enticing me with cool beats with what could be the answer to all my insidious, depressing, and malnourished emotions. i fight even though my rhythm is off, staving off fading to black.