Turning 40

Today, at 1.21 p.m., i leave my 30's and begin the decade of my 40's. In some ways i am ok with turning 40, hoping this decade to be far better than my 20's and 30's. Possibilities are always endless in some ways. On the other side i am having existential angst because i do not feel i have accomplished all that much in my life. i have a horrible chronic illness that affects my thinking and my life on a physical level that limits me a lot. Yet, i came to peace with my sexuality in my late 30's and have a fantastic wife who i am eternally grateful for coming into my life and enriching it everyday. i have so much i want to do but am limited by illnes, insecurities and fear of failure. i really want to write my memoir but feel i do not have the creativity to portray my life in words. A friend sat down with me and helped me organize some stuff but then i get gripped with fear and a loss of where to begin. Sometimes it literally hurts to try and form words. Pete Rollins, while here in Richmond, advised me to just try and write 500 words a day. He siad that is an average blog post length. GREAT advice i thought. Yet, i still have not done anything. Sometimes with my illness and the limitations it places on my life i feel like such a waste of space. i do not want to die or kill myself. i just feel like i am just existing and find it pretty boring. i have a great wife, great friends in person and on line, i have a roof over my head, clothers, great dawgs, a computer, etc., and i AM VERY GRATEFUL! Turning 40 just slams me and shows me half my life is over. i sometimes feel like a tick filled with blood ready to explode with all that i feel inside and want to do and express and accomplish. i have to be the initiator but sometimes i need help. i cry out to G-D but sometimes i feel like this is futile. Prayer to me feels like a crap shoot at times. Maybe G-D will answer and maybe G-D won't. i do not understand the intricacies of G-D's workings in our lives. Many good people have told me that 40's are awesome and a great time. i believe for them that is true. i hope my 40's a great but i get scared that nothing much will change. i have kind of given up on really progressing in healing of my Lyme Disease. i am kind of going through a depression and grieving over it. So, that is where i am at.