Existential Punk:

i'd love to thank William Lobdell and his book, 'Losing My Religion: How I Lost My Faith Reporting on Religion in America - and Found Unexpected Peace', for inspiring this post. While in Indonesia diving, we met a lovely couple from the Bay Area who are currently living in Shanghai, China. She was reading Lobdell's book as she had worked with him at one point in her career. She told me what it was about and i immediately knew i would resonate with it and told her i'd have to read it. Coming back to our villa one afternoon after diving, i found his book sitting on the chair on our front porch. She said it was her gift to me, and it was in more ways than one for sure!

Lobdell has a similar journey as mine and in the course of writing and covering religious stories for the LA TIMES thought of this as G-D's calling on his life. He fervently sought out the most interesting stories to tell and attempted be as authentic and neutral as any human could be in his line of work. He covered ALL religions with enthusiasm, integrity and as a way to learn more about others. Naturally when stories emerged about the Catholic Church and the abusive sex scandals perpetrated upon innocent children and the attempts to cover up and dodge any responsibility, Lobdell was a natural to cover the stories.

Throughout the years of covering positive religious stories through his evangelical eyes and then on his journey to converting to Catholicism, Lobdell then began questioning why a 'GOOD G-D' would allow these horrible things to happen. He wondered why so many times Christians really did not act all that differently from people who claimed no religion at all. In essence, he was not seeing any real transformation in the lives of people who cling to their religion. Often, religion is a power tool to be wielded to control, conceal, keep up appearances. He talked with close friends but came to the point in his life where he did not need G-D in his life or the assurance of an afterlife. He de-converted from his faith and came to peace and freedom in his life.

Excerpts from Lobdell's Epilogue that have caused me to pause and chew:

'The laws of nature, circumstance and coincidence make more sense than the divine' (p. 276)
''At least now when I see injustice and suffering - my guitar teacher's beautiful boy, all of three years old, died of a brain tumor the day I'm writing this - the randomness is just that. A God in heaven didn't sit by while the little boy died. To simply know the tragic stuff just happens is a much more satisfying and realistic answer.' (p. 277)
'What the Bible promises - peace and serenity - I've found in larger measures as a nonbeliever. My morals and values haven't changed...As a believer I tried to live up to the standards for living outlined in the Bible...Nothing has changed since my loss of faith. I still try to follow the same general ideals - morals and values that I'd argue are inherent to each human being. I still find myself stumbling, but now I don't blame Satan. Usually when I do wrong, it's due to selfishness and poor judgment overcoming common sense, self-restraint and experience. Truth be told, my actions aren't much different from when I was a Christian. Many of my basic life struggles are the same...' (p. 277)
'So what has taken the place of God in my life? A tremendous sense of gratitude. I sense how fortunate I am to be alive in this thin sliver of time in the history of the universe. This gives me a renewed sense of urgency to live this short life well...' (p. 278)
'...I wouldn't have predicted it as a Christian, but I now feel wonderfully free - not to go on a binge of debauchery like the Prodigal Son, but to stop wrestling with the mysteries of Christianity...' (p. 279)
'I guess time will tell whether my decision was foolish or smart. But I have no regrets. For me, it was the move I had to make.' (p. 283)

There is so much just in those excerpts but even MORE in the entirety of his book. i have asked the same kinds of questions he raised about Christianity and G-D. i know of many of the religious figures he mentioned and covered in his reporting. He mentioned a Benny Hinn crusade in Las Vegas, NV where a blind boy was brought for healing by his babysitter. Out of fear the boy said he was healed. Hinn made a big ta-do about it by saying G-D told him to pay the boy's medical bills and his education. When i read this i realized i had been at that crusade. A friend who was battling terrilbly chronic health problems asked me to drive with her to attend the healing crusade. She was desperate to find relief and i agreed even though i had no respect for Hinn. i had attended a crusade of his years before and felt like it was all a sham. i just felt i needed to support my friend and it was a way of spending some quality time with her. The boy was never really healed. Lobdell wrote about the boy, William, and his uncle and guardian, Randy, that, 'It took two years, a series of phone calls and my inquiry before his family was told that a $10,000 fund had been set up in William's name. Randy still couldn't get any details on how to access the account until a second story appeared about William.' ( p. 187) i remember that display of 'hearing G-D' really rubbed me the wrong way while i sat there next to my ill friend. i remember feeling uncomfortable yet cautious that i was being judgmental of one of G-D's children. Then when i read about all of the follow-up, i was a bit more comforted in my sensibilities at that time. i believe there is a difference between judging people and using one's brain in critical thinking and observation.

i have deconstructed my faith and continue to do so as i see it as a simultaneous and continuous process in tandem with reconstruction of my faith and beliefs. i guess in some sense i see it as an arduous process of wrestling with a thesis, deconstructing and looking at what the antithesis possibilities are and coming to some sort of synthesis. Maybe i am wrong but this is where i am at and how i deal with my faith. i believe intellect, reason, emotions, personal experiences, limitations of humanity, etc. ALL play a part in our lives, whether we believe in some form of a Divine Being or not. After reading Lobdell's book, finding myself wrestling with so many of the same damn questions as he did, i am in a quandary as to why do i still hang on to a belief in G-D. Yes, many of my once-held beliefs like the inerrancy of the Bible, black and white, easy pat answers, with certainties taken at face value, are no longer a part of my faith. i hold things loosely as i am a human not fully capable of knowing the mind and purposes of G-D. Yet, like Lobdell, the answers often given as to why bad things happen to good people and why G-D allows it all, are just tired, tortured and plain unsatisfying. YET, why do i still hang on when someone like Lobdell de-converted and left his Christian faith all behind and found utter peace? WHAT makes me different; not better, mind you? Am i just afraid to let go or am i stupid or deluded? It took me years to get to the point of accepting my sexuality and coming to peace with G-D about it. i FINALLY have peace and joy in my life like never before. Like Lobdell, i am still the same person with the same morals and find myself ever more grateful in my life. Like Lobdell, i still stumble and fail miserably as a human being. What makes me and Lobdell so different with such similar stories of faith journeys? Why did he decide to stop wrestling with the mysteries and questions and find peace outside of his faith while i find comfort and peace in the mysteries and wrestling? What are your thoughts?

i leave you with this quote: