My dear friend, Peter Walker, posted a poem entitled, 'A Prayer Of Anger', by John Shea that i found to be totally raw, honest and scathing. i resonated with it because of my own struggles with my Lyme Disease and wrestling with all my existential angst as to the seemingly random things that happen in life and wondering where G-D is at in all of this. Is G-D present and involved? Does G-D exist in the midst of all this chaos of life? If so, why do bad things happen? Theodicy, which is the vindication of divine goodness and providence in view of the existence of evil, and it's attempt to answer the problem of evil in the world are topics that have long been discussed and we never seem to get to the bottom of anything. Answers become dogmatic, circular, black and white, inconclusive, boring, old, worn out, shitty, et al. At times i am ok with not having everything neatly tied up and every question answered. Mystery makes for an interesting life. YET, if i am honest with myself, i do want some fucking answers and not having the answers frustrates the snot out of me! i get pissed off, frustrated, enraged, confused, indignant, snappy, defensive, and feeling totally out of control.
Sometimes i just hate life - how i react to people, how other people treat one another with contempt or in inhumane ways, the burdens of the world with all the poor, the human trafficking, corruption, wars, famines, global warming - HELL - FUCKING HUMANITY just plain grates on my nerves!! i grate on my own nerves!! G-D, if G-D does indeed exist, GRATES ON MY NERVES AS WELL! i recognize that i am human, i am depraved, i am failing, i am insecure, i am selfish, i am an asshole, i am deceived at times, i am often wrong, i am arrogant, i am bitchy, i am impatient, i am out of control, i am hateful in many ways, i am decidedly ungenerous to those who are unkind to me.
Is there really a G-D to extend grace and mercy to me or am i to simply rely on the kindness that humans can extol at times? G-D, oh G-D, IF YOU are real and exist in our lives, why do i often find myself having such a difficult time recognizing you? i have struggled with all these things the entirety of my nearly 22 year odyssey with you. i keep hanging on because something i cannot explain draws me, drives me, propels me. Some will say it's blindness and deception due to my being queer. Maybe that's true, but i don't believe so. i think it's a natural part of being human and honest.
That's the problem i see in many churches today and with some of those that i have been a part of in the past. People are so busy running around doing and not taking the time to examine their own lives. The busyness takes the place of honest reflection. Honest reflection and examination is where i believe true transformation takes place. It's important to serve others, but if we don't ever take time to get ourselves in order, then how can we truly be effective in helping others and treating others with the love and kindness that G-D commands of us rather than with contempt or an agenda. Sometimes i just feel stuck and become overwhelmed and paralyzed. Then i end up not accomplishing anything. At times i know this is ok too. It's just the ebb and flow of life.
i feel like lately when i pray it's just gibberish i'm saying and not sure really how to pray when i feel like G-D is so random in how G-D chooses to allow or not allow things to happen. Why did G-D set us up to fail so G-D could so gallantly come to redeem us yet still allow all this fucking shit to happen. Life is hard and there is no magic solution but i desire to see more of G-D at work in our midst. i even wonder if i am a deist, where G-D just created us and then left us to figure everything out because i feel like i am reaching so often in the dark and not knowing what i am reaching for if that makes sense. i have come to the conclusion that at this point i am a Christian Agnostic because i simply cannot sign on the dotted line anymore at this point and ascribe to all the human created doctrines and long-held man-made traditions of Christendom any longer. i know that i am ranting here but this has been inside me for so long that i felt like a tick filled with blood ready to explode all over the place. i am just writing what is deep inside me. i don't claim to have any answers nor do i expect anyone else to either. There just may simply be no answers. i must come to a place of acceptance of that possible reality and i fight it because i hate and loathe it so much.
i have rambled A LOT and many of my thoughts may not make sense to you. That's ok because i often write for my own processing, but if something does resonate with you, the reader, then that is awesome. If it angers or worries some, i am sorry, but this is my space to be open and honest with what i am processing in my life. i just needed to vent as this has been a long-time coming and i'm sure more will come.
i so deeply resonated with Shea's poem. Thanks so much, Peter, for sharing this on your blog. Here's the raw and honest poem:
A PRAYER OF ANGER
No hymn of praise today.
No hand-clapping alleluia
For the All-Good God
And his marvelous handiwork.
Lord
A child has been born bad.
He gangles and twitches and shames
The undiscovered galaxies of your creation.
Why could not the hands
that strung the stars
Dip into that womb to bless and heal?
Please no voice from Job's Whirlwind
Saying how dare I. I dare!
Yet I know no answer comes
Save that tears dry up, skin knits,
And humans love broken things.
But to you who are always making pacts
You have my word on this -
On the final day of fire
After You have stripped me
(if there is breath left)
I will subpoena You to the stand
In the court of human pain.John Shea
So, what do you, the reader, think about all this? i don't look for preaching and answers, just honest conversation. Thanks to my readers for taking the time to read, process and journey with me on this odyssey of life. - Existential Punk
