Existential Punk

Chemical Rx

i wrote these streaming thoughts the other day in light of my recent downward spiral into deep depression and hopelessness. Thankfully my new med seems to be helping even me out a bit. i just started my 2nd week of Abilify on Wednesday. Just wanted to capture in words my feelings of what was going on inside of me. i am not out of the woods yet but am not in an scary space anymore. i am THANKFUL to not be in this space and for all my friends who reached out to me during this very dark period. i am forever grateful!

Chemical Rx

Why does it feel like my heart is breaking?

My head is racing, obsessing, culminating.

Darkness, hopelessness, desires of eternal sleep fill my senses.

Nothing anyone says or does assuages this dark shadow looming over me, overpowering me.

Is this real or am i in a nightmare? Am i destined to die young?

Or is it a fucking chemical rx in my brain?

Crying, sobbing, snot everywhere.

It's dark, rainy, windy, dreary and gray, within my soul and outside the house.

(Copyright Adele Sakler 2010, All Rights Reserved)

'i Don't Get It'

A brutally honest comment from Lynn over at nakedpastor really resonated with me and her words are things i have expressed inside my mind and out loud before. In light of my recent posts where i have been wrestling with existential issues of the existence of G-D, i asked her permission to post her comment here as a reflection.

'The relationship with God that I attempted never felt very real. He never talked to me. I talked to him, but he was always silent. I had to just trust that he was really there and really listening.

I found what he said in the Bible very confusing and contradictory. It made me crazy trying to figure out which verses applied to which situations. Other people never seemed to have a problem with that. God never helped me to understand.

I finally gave up and decided this whole relationship was an imaginary thing inside my own head.

Aren’t there bare minimum standards for something to be considered a “relationship?”
What are those standards?

I also heard that in Islam, they are not trying to have a relationship with Allah. They revere him and submit, have certain duties, etc., but it’s not a warm and fuzzy thing like in Christianity. Hopefully I’m not misrepresenting anything here. I’m sure you see what I’m trying to get at.

Oh yeah, and would you want to have a relationship with someone you fear? Like they might throw you in hell if you’re not of the elect?

And God TELLS us to love him. Can you love someone just because they tell you to?

I don’t get it.'

What do you think? Have you wondered these same things but maybe you never expressed them aloud? Or, maybe you did ask them outside your own head? Do raw and honest expressions resonate with you or scare the shit out of you? If it scares you, why? - Existential Punk